Book Blitz: The Slant Six by Christopher F. Cobb

 

Sci-fi / space opera thriller

Date Published: March 31, 2017

Publisher: Darkwater Syndicate, Inc.

 The year is 2252 and Loman Phin is in trouble. A washed-up channelship racer turned freelancer, he hits pay dirt with his latest mission: a fortune is on the line if he can transport forty-three kilograms of human skin to a remote villa on Pluto’s moon, Nix. Little does he know his very life is at stake when he gets caught up in an ancient feud, chased by a space vampire, and forced into a death-race by the king of Ceres. Meanwhile, danger is always hot on his heels in the form of a massive space freighter out for Loman’s blood. With just his wits, his friends, and his beat-up cruiser, the Slant Six, Loman sets out on the most dangerous adventure of his life.

Purchase Links

Amazon   *   B&N   *   Kobo

 

About the Author

Born and raised in West Palm Beach, Florida, Christopher Cobb ventured off to the wilds of New York City for several years to experience the world of acting. Finding it a cruel and inhospitable world, he hid high in the Appalachian Mountains of North Georgia for a time. Having grown weary of snow and perilous black ice, his life path took him back home to south Florida where he earned college degrees at Florida Atlantic University. He now lives in Jupiter—the city, not the planet—with his true love and talented artist, Alicia, their two weird cats, Simon and Weezy, and his amazingly wonderful daughter, Emma. He is a member of the Bloody Pens Writers Group, as well as the Florida Writer’s Association and intends on writing more exciting books for publication. All this makes Christopher a very happy man indeed. Visit him at www.chrisfcobb.com.

Contact Information

Website: www.chrisfcobb.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisfcobb

Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisfcobb

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Blog Tour & Giveaway: The Phoenix Decree Saga by Anna Albergucci

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The Phoenix Decree
The Phoenix Decree Saga Book 1
by Anna Albergucci
Genre: Time Travel/ Paranormal Romance
How far would you go to pursue your heart’s desire?

When Devon Phoenix, a nineteenth-century Englishman, becomes linked to his
soul mate through the discovery of a buried family secret, he must do
the impossible. His longing to pursue her demands he cross the
centuries to present day. But his world is shaken to its core when he
learns he must protect her from men he thought to be only myths.
Drawn by her lineage, these men will go to great lengths to have her.
Out at a nightclub, Boston artist and history buff Elz Valli has no idea
her grounded life is about to be uprooted. She encounters Devon and
realizes this striking and intellectual warrior not only looks like
the 12th Duke of Seton–he is. Consumed by the flames that engulf
them, there is no turning back as Devon’s presence in today’s world
ignites raging fires–both good and evil.
Though Devon’s love is one that reaches through time, it is not without
cost. Now he must decide if Elz is worth the price.
Add to Goodreads
**FREE on All Sites!**
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Phoenix Unbound
The Phoenix Decree Saga Book 2
And now the saga continues…
 
Devon’s presence in modern-day Boston has roused the enemy who now stalks
Elz.


Devon and Elz become entwined, body and soul, but secrets
still loom. Elz needs answers. Devon, imprisoned by his vow to keep
quiet, must fight his desire to give them. All he can offer is his
protection and his love. Unfortunately, the shackles of silence could
leave Elz vulnerable to the enemy.
Devon has recruited Jarrett Phoenix, the current Marquess of Phoxdale, to
help on his mission. Though Jarrett is a good ally, he incorporates
his own agenda, and the car-racing playboy attempts to seduce Elz’s
best friend, the ever-cautious Jaymi. But Jaymi longs for more than
Jarrett offers. The four spend the summer together, and tensions
climb, as Jaymi is an unwilling candidate in Jarrett’s games.
Will Jarrett’s fear of love keep his heart from running the course and
winning the prize? And will Devon comprehend too late the real threat
he faces when fighting the rival who will stop at nothing to take Elz
from him?
The future holds the answers…or…does the past?
Add to Goodreads

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Blog Tour & Giveaway: Lord of the Seas by Sabrina Jarema

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LORD OF THE SEAS
Viking Lords #3
by Sabrina Jarema
Genre: Historical Romance
Pub Date: 8/8/2017
The Vikings roamed and raided the known world, always returning to their
beautiful, sacred realm. Now, a young Christian woman is forced into
this land—by a Viking lord with a secret he dares not reveal . . .
From Istanbul to Ireland, Rorik of Vargfjell is legendary for the battles
he has fought, the wealth he has amassed, and the women he has loved.
So when a Northumbrian Earl refuses to pay tribute, and even burns
one of Rorik’s ships, the Viking seizes the earl’s daughter—and
will hold her for ransom. Or so was his plan.
At home in Northumbria, Elfwynn had experienced agonizing losses—including the
peaceful world she was born into. Now she stands face to face with a
towering, chiseled Viking in his wondrous kingdom. With her gift of
music, her unworldly beauty and strange courage, Elfwynn will prove
to be very different than any woman Rorik has known. And for a man
who lords over sea and land, what she demands will be the greatest
challenge of all . . .
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Sabrina Jarema lives near Ocala, Florida, the Horse Capital of the World. She
has a herd of fat, lazy Arabians on 40 beautiful acres. She also
breeds and shows white German Shepherd Dogs and currently has several
Grand Victrixes taking over her house. She’s joined by a menagerie
of tortoises, turtles, birds, fish and cats. To avoid farm work as
much as possible, she loses herself in the worlds she creates through
the novels she writes, her art, music, dollhouses, and jewelry. She
has worked as a professional fantasy illustrator and has written
fantasy romance for many years. Recently, she has branched out into
historical romances set in the early Viking era. She is currently
writing the Viking Lords series, a family saga set in Norway during
the ninth century. She is an active member of the Tampa Area Romance
Authors chapter of the Romance Writers of America.
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Book Blitz: Shadows & Teeth Volume 3 by Ramiro Perez de Pereda

 

Horror

Date Published: June 15, 2017

Publisher: Darkwater Syndicate, Inc.

Out of the shadows and meaner than ever, volume three of this award-winning horror series packs international star power. Featuring ten brand-new stories by the legendary Guy N. Smith, the prolific Adam Millard, master of horror Nicholas Paschall, and others, this collection is certain to keep you up at night. Take care as you reach into these dark places, for the things here bite, and you may withdraw a hand short of a few fingers.

Purchase Links

 Amazon   *   B&N   *   Kobo

 

About the Author

Our award-winning horror series brings together the very best in international horror. Volume three features the UK’s legendary Guy N. Smith, the prolific Adam Millard, and master of horror Nicholas Paschall, among other established names in the genre.

 Bio For Series Editor, Ramiro Perez

Born in Cuba in 1941, Ramiro Perez de Pereda has seen it all. Growing up in a time when then-democratic Cuba was experiencing unprecedented foreign investment, he was exposed to the U.S. pop culture items of the day. Among them: pulp fiction magazines, which young Ramiro avidly read and collected. Far and away, his favorites were the Conan the Barbarian stories by Robert E. Howard. Ramiro, now retired from the corporate life, is a grandfather of five. He devotes himself to his family, his writing, and the occasional pen-and-ink sketch. He writes poetry and short fiction under the name R. Perez de Pereda. He serves Darkwater Syndicate as its Head Acquisitions Editor—he heads the department, he does not collect heads, which is a point he has grown quite fond of making. Indeed, it’s one reason he likes his job so much.

 Contact Information

Website: www.DarkwaterSyndicate.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ShadowsAndTeethOfficial

Twitter: https://twitter.com/DrkWtrSyndicate

Blog: http://www.darkwatersyndicate.com/news.html Continue reading

Back to School $250 Giveaway

Back to School $250 Giveaway

August 17th to September 7th

 

Thanks to this fabulous group of bloggers and authors for sponsoring this giveaway!

Enter for your chance to win $250 in Paypal Cash or a $250 Amazon Gift Card.

Sponsor List

I Am A Reader
Geybie’s Book Blog
S.T. Bende
Lori’s Reading Corner
Laurisa White Reyes
Every Free Chance Books
The Editing Hall
Simple Wyrdings
Author Al Stone
D.S. Venetta ~ Organic Gardening for Kids!
Anna del C. Dye
My Life. One Story at a Time.
Heather Boyd Regency Romance Author
Author Mary Ting
Author Inger Iversen
Krysten Lindsay Hager author
Kindle and Me
Erin Richards
Glistering: B’s Blog
Helen Smith
Donna K. Weaver
Carrie @ Reading Is My SuperPower
Bookhounds
Alexandrea Weis
Caroline Clemmons
Author D.E. Haggerty
Diana’s Book Reviews
Bound 4 Escape
More Than a Review
Heather @ Townsend House
Spirit Filled eBooks
The Serious Reader
Author Felicia Starr
The Page Unbound
CoolCatMysteries
Heather Gray, Christian Romance
Mary from YourDesignerDog
Karmack by JC Whyte
Kasey’s Book Reviews

 

Giveaway Details

$250 in Paypal Cash or a $250 Amazon.com eGift Card

Ends 9/7/17

Open only to those who can legally enter, receive and use money sent via Paypal or gift codes via Amazon.com. Winning Entry will be verified prior to prize being awarded. No purchase necessary. You must be 18 or older to enter or have your parent enter for you. The winner will be chosen by rafflecopter and announced here as well as emailed and will have 48 hours to respond or a new winner will be chosen. This giveaway is in no way associated with Facebook, Twitter, Rafflecopter or any other entity unless otherwise specified. The number of eligible entries received determines the odds of winning. Giveaway was organized by Kathy from I Am A Reader and sponsored by the authors, bloggers and publishers on the sponsor list. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Cover Reveal: Sacrifice Special Edition by R.M. Gilmore

a Dylan Hart novel

Sacrifice

New Cover! New Interior! New foreword! Same killer story!


Reeling from the events in New Orleans, Dylan is forced to face the enemy head on.

To save her friend, she’d do just about anything.

But when things take a deadly turn, Dylan’s actions change the course of events forever.

★★★★★ “Holy freakin’ moly!!!”

★★★★★ “Buckle up…”

★★★★★ “I loved the first 2 books. this book beats them completely”

Pre-order your signed paperback today!


Start the series now with The Scene!

The Scene

Amazon BN  Kobo Google iTunes

Order your signed copy today!


Check out R.M. Gilmore on the interwebs:

Website

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Find her other books:

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Blog Tour & Giveaway: The Karma Tour by Laura Simmons

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Little Bits of Karma
by Laura Simmons
Genre: Paranormal Romance
A captivating story of reincarnation, redemption, and forgiveness. Even
though Holly O’Rourke is having problems with her longtime
significant other, James, she has never entertained thoughts of
infidelity…that is, until the day she has a chance encounter with
Charlie, a handsome coworker. James promises he will change and work
on their relationship, but Holly’s feelings for Charlie just won’t
go away. Distressed by her mixed emotions, Holly schedules an
appointment for a reading with a psychic medium, where she discovers
her adulterous past lives and their tragic consequences. Holly learns
to do her own past life regression through self-hypnosis and uncovers
not only lives that she shared with James and Charlie, but how the
other people in her present life have been with her in the past—the
threads of their lives interwoven for centuries. Holly is stunned by
recurring themes and the issues of karmic justice that need to be
addressed. Where will her karmic path ultimately lead? Find out in
Little Bits of Karma, an entertaining new book about spiritual cause
and effect.
Can be read as a standalone.
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Chapter One – The Two of Cups

     Later that morning Holly woke up first and went into the kitchen to make the coffee. She looked at the clock on the wall and it was 8:15. She had her psychic reading later this morning and James had to be at work at 3:00. She felt better, although her head was still aching. She took two aspirin with her first cup of coffee and sat down at the dining-room table. She got back up and opened the curtains so she could look out onto the patio.

She thought about last night and Charlie. The song “Me and Mrs. Jones” was running through her head like a freight train. She was having mental pictures of the two of them in the coffee shop and thinking of how they held hands walking to the Metro. I guess I sort of cheated on James last night, holding hands with another man, even though it wasn’t for very long. One part of her brain was thinking . . . Don’t be so hard on yourself. James has taken you for granted for a long time. He repeatedly hurt your feelings by choosing to spend time with his guy friends over you, and you never do fun things together anymore . . . no wonder you are attracted to someone else . . . Charlie is HOT! The other part of her brain countered with . . . Stop making excuses . . . you have years invested in James and you know you still love him . . . Work it out, don’t ruin it by having an affair. Her troubling thoughts were interrupted by James coming into the kitchen.

“Good morning,” he said as he poured his coffee into a bright yellow mug.

“Good morning,” she replied, feeling the unspoken coldness between them.

“So, what are your plans today?” he asked.

“I have an appointment at 11:30 downtown to see a psychic,” she replied.

James laughed out loud, and it broke the tension. She started to laugh too.

“Why the hell do you want to see a psychic?” he asked, still laughing.

“I overheard some ladies on the Metro talking about past lives and I thought it would be a fun thing to explore,” she replied.

“Past lives? I know you believe in that stuff . . . I don’t. I believe you get one chance at life, and then you turn into worm food,” he said with smug satisfaction. “Let me know what she says.”

“I will. It should be interesting,” Holly replied. She was used to James not taking any of this seriously. He sincerely believed you turn into worm food and that is the end of the road.

“I’m sorry I jumped on your case last night,” he said.

“That’s okay. I understand. It wasn’t smart, forgetting to lock the door,” she replied.

“How did you get home? You must have driven drunk,” he said, looking serious now.

“I told you last night that I got home fine. By the time I got to my car I wasn’t drunk anymore, just buzzed. I drove fine,” she replied, slightly agitated.

“How about I make a sausage, ham, and cheese omelet for us?” he asked, hoping an offer of food would calm the residual irritation between them.

“Sure. I’m extremely hungry right now,” she replied.

James cooked a delicious omelet for them. She loved that he could cook. There were advantages to living with a chef. James liked to invent new meals for the restaurant, and he often asked Holly to try them first, although it seemed like it had been months since he created a new entree. Holly scarfed down the omelet like a starving prisoner. James watched in amazement. He wasn’t used to seeing her eat like that.

“You just inhaled an omelet stuffed with meat, and it wasn’t a small one either. I’m still working on mine,” he said with a look of surprise on his face.

“The last thing I ate was a piece of chocolate cake last night and some potato skins several hours before that. No real dinner,” she replied.

“I’m surprised you aren’t sick this morning. Please be more careful in the future and never forget to lock the door behind you, especially late at night,” James said to her, trying his best to not sound scolding.

“Yes, Daddy,” she replied with a laugh and glanced up at the kitchen clock. “I need to get ready for my appointment.”

She took a shower and later as she was putting on her make-up, James took one. By the time he was finished showering, she was ready to go. He was blow drying his hair in the bathroom when she went to kiss him good-bye.

“I’ll see you when I get back,” Holly said and kissed him.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” James asked her.

“Oh, I don’t know. Let me think about it,” she replied.

“Whatever you want is fine with me.”

“See you later,” she said.

Tough Karma:
A Race Against Time
From the Author of Little Bits of Karma comes a chilling new tale of loss,
tragedy, psychic warfare, and eternal love. Amber Macklin’s world
is cruelly shattered when she loses her baby girl three months after
her husband’s sudden death. Her cousin, Bryce, comes to her rescue,
moving her into his home for fear she will kill herself from the
grief. He provides solace and a shoulder to cry on, and he has loved
her as more than a cousin for a long time. Amber and Bryce soon
discover they are not blood relatives, which opens the door for
romance as he pulls her through her darkest hours. When Mike, a
college friend of Bryce’s, stops by to visit, Amber senses a deadly
secret behind his nice guy persona. She has a frightening dream that
Mike is trying to kill her and recurring sleepwalking episodes where
she draws detailed pictures of him torturing her. Deeply troubled,
Bryce uses his ability to astral travel to investigate Mike and
uncover his terrifying past. Mike has had his eye on Amber for some
time, and when he learns that Bryce and Amber have become lovers, he
is furious. Mike abducts Amber and takes her to his rural Georgia
hideaway, and Bryce must rely on his astral abilities to track her
down. But will he be too late?
Can be read as a standalone.
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Blog Tour & Giveaway: Vanished? by Christer Tholin

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Vanished?
By Christer Tholin
Genre: Mystery Crime Thriller
He could only hope he’d get out of here in one piece.”

To come to terms with his recent divorce, Martin, an attorney in Berlin,
plans a peaceful vacation – two weeks in a Swedish summer house
seem to be the solution. It won’t be peaceful, however, and those
two weeks will change his life forever. He takes a liking to Liv, a
Swedish woman whom he meets in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, they
don’t get to have their first date – Liv disappears under
mysterious circumstances. Martin begins his search but soon realizes
he can’t find Liv in a foreign country by himself. He hires two
private investigators, and their discoveries make everything seem
even stranger.
The complexities in this suspenseful criminal case lead to a hunt across
Sweden. Martin comes close to finding answers, but his search lands
him in very real danger, eventually leading to the first deaths. Soon
he‘s wondering if he can get Liv and himself out of this situation
alive.
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They left the house and ran to the driveway. There they heard the sound of an engine rapidly approaching.

“Damn, somebody’s coming. Quick, into the woods!”

They rushed behind the house and into the trees, where before them was a narrow path. Martin tried to keep his voice muted: “We’ll cut through the woods to my car. Follow me!”

He followed the wooded pathway for a short stretch, then veered to the right through the trees. It was muddy and difficult to negotiate; that meant they weren’t going to make headway very quickly. “We have to try not to make any noise.”

Liv nodded.

They moved slowly around the house. The vehicle had now arrived; it was the black pickup.

“Shit.” Martin cursed. Liv held on firmly to his shirtsleeve. “Shouldn’t we try to escape through the woods instead?”

“Do you know your way around here?”

“No.” Liv looked around. “How far is it to my summerhouse?”

“Liv, we’re in Dalarna, really close to your husband’s summerhouse.”

“What?” Liv opened her eyes wider and pressed her hands to her mouth.

Martin looked at her: “To my car?”

She nodded.

They kept moving cautiously through the woods, able to hear the driver getting out and going up to the house. It couldn’t be much longer until he noticed that Liv’s things were missing; then he would go into the cellar and…

Gradually they put more distance behind them and approached the driveway. Martin looked back and believed they could now leave their cover without risk. It went faster on the driveway; Martin’s shoulder ached with every step, but now was the time to keep his teeth clenched. Just as he unlocked the car, he heard a sound from the house. The man had come out the door and roared something that Martin didn’t understand. Liv looked at him with horror. As fast as they could, they climbed into the car. Martin started it; unfortunately, he still had to turn it around, and there was very little space to do so. Twice he backed up until he could finally drive off. At that very moment, the engine of the pickup revved behind them. He looked in the rear-view mirror; the truck was already approaching them. He hit the gas. The car reacted and lurched forward with a jerk. Martin drove as fast as he could; Liv was frightened; she held on to the armrest and looked around from back to front.

“Faster! Please!”

“I’m trying to.”

Martin pushed the pedal harder. The main road lay in front of them – he knew he wouldn’t make the curve at that speed. Even so he kept driving at the same velocity; a brief glance revealed the pickup directly behind them. The engine was loud, and the black steel fenders in front of the hood were coming dangerously close.

At the intersection to the main road, Martin braked slightly, hoping to make it onto the dirt road without landing in the ditch. Gripping the steering wheel with all his strength, the Audi swung around, and it looked like they would make it. But the pickup had other plans. It didn’t intend to make the curve. The driver swerved slightly to the right and rammed the Audi from the side just as they reached the bend. The Audi’s rear end slung around towards the woods. Liv screamed, both airbags deployed and Martin braked with everything in his power. The car came to a stop diagonally across the road.

Before Martin recovered his seven senses, the door was swung open, and he was staring down the barrel of a rifle. The man roared something in Swedish. Martin didn’t understand a word, but it was clear, nonetheless, what the man wanted. Martin got out and raised his arms. Behind him, Liv crawled out of the car. She said something to the man, who tersely roared back, and Liv fell silent. The man wore a green parka with a high turned-up collar. Other than that he wore a baseball cap. Because of this, little of his face was visible. Dishevelled dark hair and a large, somewhat red nose. With the rifle, the man motioned them to the pickup. He opened the hatch over the bed and said something. Liv scrambled in; Martin behind her. They had to lie down, then the hatch was closed tightly.

Liv felt for his hand and held onto it firmly. The bed smelled like cement and leaves. It was cold. Completely dark.

The pickup started up, turned around and drove off.

A few minutes later, the hatch was opened again, the man directed them into the house, down the stairs and into the cellar. He motioned them to sit on the bed and looked around the room. The rifle was still pointing at them. The man cursed, kicked the table so that it flew over the threshold of the doorway, then he left the room. A key turned in the lock.

Martin and Liv looked at each other. Liv bent her head and laid it on Martin’s shoulder. She was crying. Martin put his arm around her.

He could think of nothing to comfort her. The situation was quite hopeless.

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The author grew up in the North of Germany, Schleswig-Holstein. Today, he
lives together with his family in Stockholm, Sweden, where he works
as management consultant.


Already for ages he has been a great fan of crime stories and therefore, had
the desire to write his own crime story with the characters acting in
Sweden. This crime-fiction is now available under the title
“Vanished?”.
The crime novel starts at a slower pace – like Martin’s holidays, but the
tension goes up more and more. It comes to a number of surprising
turns giving new impulses to the story. Apart from that, the lovely
country Sweden is described with the view of a foreigner.
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Follow the tour HERE
for exclusive excerpts and a giveaway!
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The Amazon purchase link in this post is an affiliate link. Purchasing through it helps sustain Bound 2 Escape.

Blog Tour & Giveaway: The Divinity Bureau by Tessa Clare

 

Dystopian Romance

Date Published: September 21st, 2017

Publisher: Asset Creative House

The Hunger Games meets Romeo and Juliet in a stunning debut about a forbidden romance between a young activist and a government employee for a corrupt bureau that controls the population by deciding who lives and who dies.

 Roman Irvine is a disgruntled IT Technician for the Divinity Bureau, a government agency that uses random selection to decide who lives and who dies. In a world where overpopulation has lead to pollution, a crippled economy, and a world in crisis, he’s accepted the bureau’s activities as a necessity… until he meets April McIntyre.

 April has every reason to be suspicious of Roman. He works for the Divinity Bureau, which sent her father to an early grave. But he’s also sweet and loyal, and unbeknownst to her, he saved her life. As Roman and April fall deeper in love, the deeper they’re thrust into the politics of deciding who lives and who dies. Someone wants April dead. And the bureau’s process of random selection may not be so random after all…

Purchase Links: Amazon and Barnes & Noble

 

About the Author

Tessa Clare is the author of The Divinity Bureau. When she’s not writing, she’s an entrepreneur, an activist, a speaker, and the Managing Director of Asset Creative House.

Throughout her early career, she was a concession stand attendant, a busgirl, a barista, a player’s club representative for a casino, and an administrative assistant. She also spent years working as a manager for Vacasa, whose business model and revolutionary marketing strategies would later inspire the groundwork for Asset Creative House.

The Divinity Bureau is Tessa’s debut novel about a forbidden love between a young activist and a government employee working for a corrupt bureau, set in a dystopian world.

 

Contact Information

Website: divinitybureau.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tessaclareofficial/

Blog: http://assetcreativehouse.com/authors/tessa-clare

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35262019-the-divinity-bureau

 

Giveaway

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

The Amazon purchase link in this post is an affiliate link. Purchasing through it helps sustain Bound 2 Escape.

Book Blitz: Slasher Sam by Simon Petersen

 

Horror

Date Published: March 31, 2017

Publisher: Darkwater Syndicate, Inc.            

Beware: this book is not for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, or the soft of bowels. In these pages are the blog entries of one of the most depraved serial killers of the 21st century—Slasher Sam.

Taking inspiration from several generations of horror films, Sam guts countless victims in creative ways, and posts these exploits to SlasherSam.com for the world to see, putting readers so close to the action that they’re practically in the splash zone when the blood goes flying.

And is there ever blood—Sam’s a savvy killer, too well-versed in horror film lore to make rookie mistakes, which is why the kill count scores well into the double digits.

Visit www.SlasherSam.com if you dare, just remember: in cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream…

Purchase Links 

Amazon   *   B&N   *    Kobo

 

Excerpt

A snap of a twig, a rustle of leaves, her head spins around in fright.

“Who’s there?” she says. “Randy, is that you?”

Silly girl. She’s just signed her own death warrant—as if she hadn’t already when I caught her and her boyfriend smoking weed a few moments ago. I’ve been stalking these two for about half an hour, and now he’s gone off to piss somewhere and she’s about to be offed in the opening scene.

To be fair, she’s exactly the sort of girl you hate to see get killed off so early in a slasher movie. Long blonde hair pours out of a red beanie, framing a face so pretty it could sell moisturiser. A tight white puffer jacket hugs her fantastic figure, and skinny jeans accentuate her long legs and ample ass.

I think I’m in love. But rules are rules. I don’t make them; I just enforce them, and she’s going to die tonight.

“It’s not funny anymore, Randy. I mean it. Quit clowning around and get back here right now. I’m really scared.”

I fight the urge to call back, “You should be.” Instead, the rustle of the bush is her only answer as I move out from my hiding place behind a large evergreen and walk back to the well-worn hiking trail where she’s standing, flaring her flashlight in all directions for any sign of her loser boyfriend.

When she sees me, her eyes grow so wide that it’s comical. Rendered immobile by fright, we both just stand and look at each other for a moment or two—her on the verge of a nervous breakdown, me on the verge of killing her. The tension between us is so thick that you could cut it with my machete. I try. What I cut instead is her head open.

It’s like one of Thomas Savini’s finest special effects, but, oddly, less messy. Blood and brain matter abound, of course, but it’s really more like piercing a coconut than splitting an overripe melon. Either way, the blade makes a satisfyingly heavy thunk sound as it punctures the cerebrum, ensuring that she’ll never get to learn French, read another book, or do anything ever again.

When I pull the machete out of her skull, she plummets like the quality of the Friday the 13th film franchise after Part VII: The New Blood. But I don’t have time to dwell on the disappointing Jason Takes Manhattan or the frankly unwatchable Jason Goes to Hell right now; I shouldn’t have even brought them up, because I’ve got a boyfriend to kill. He’s not my boyfriend, asshole. I mean the boyfriend of the girl I just killed. He’ll be back here at any moment.

Propping the girl up against a nearby tree, I pull the hood of her coat up over her bloody beanie and the gaping wound in her head. Even in death, she’s lovely. Now it looks like she’s just having a wee rest. Well, if you’re stoned or stupid anyway.

Fortunately, the boyfriend is a potent mixture of both. I hear him tearing through the jungle and spouting inane babble and sexual innuendo long before I see him from my hiding place in the black forest, opposite the sleeping dead girl.

“Hey babe, I just saw a really big snake,” he says while he’s still out of view. “Oh wait, it was only my penis. False alarm.” He laughs at his own lame joke. “I’m really horny. We should fuck again, if you’re interested. Seriously, you don’t have a choice, let’s do it.”

Wait, didn’t she call this guy Randy a minute ago? That’s a bit on the nose, don’t you think? It’s like a guy called Bob who can’t swim well, a dick called Richard, or if the parents of that blowhard politician who wants to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out and likes wearing a bad toupee had christened him ‘Racist Asshole’.

When I finally get a visual on this walking-talking meat puppet, he’s strutting up the track like a man relieved. Dressed in a black puffer jacket and a trucker cap—in spite of the fact that it’s the middle of the Goddamn night—he proudly wears a shit-eating grin through a stubbly beard like he won it in a contest. I just can’t wait to end him.

“You sleeping babe?” he says, bending over the resting corpse of his dead girlfriend. “Come on, rise and shine sleepyhead. I’m horny.” When she doesn’t reply, he shakes her. “Come on babe, I’m not kidding around. You need to wake up right now.”

Frustrated, he gives her a short, sharp shove and she flops over.

Impatience vanishes and terror takes control now. Whimpering like a sad puppy whose owners have abandoned it next to a busy highway, he slowly peels back her hood to see exactly the sort of damage that a sharp machete will render to a person’s forehead. He lets out a prodigious scream that’ll continue to ring in my ears a number of hours later, and then flurries around in fright when he feels a soft tap on his shoulder.

It’s me, lumbering behind him in my very best Jason Voorhees impression.

Shock, horror and frank disbelief are plastered all over Randy’s terrified face; for all intents and purposes he is face to face right now with the hockey mask-wearing psycho from the Friday the 13th series. What do you do in that situation? What do you even say?

“What the actual fu—”

But I guess we’ll never know his final words, because I cut him off mid-sentence with a swing of my machete and punt his head away like a soccer ball.

 

About the Author

Simon Petersen is an experienced journalist and popular blogger from Auckland, New Zealand. By day he writes about craft beer, world travel, and professional sport; by night he dreams up horror movie scenarios that’d scare the striped sweater off Freddy Krueger. Visit him at www.SlasherSam.com.

 

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Blog: www.SlasherSam.com

 

 

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